October 6, 2008


I've been trying to process all my feelings about the nolose conference for the past week. It ended up being an unexpectedly difficult and emotional weekend for me. I thought it was going to be fatopia the way the Femme Con. was femmetopia for me. And it just wasn't.

The vending end of things did not go as I expected. I thought it would be relatively easy to match what I did at the Femme Con. and my goal was to try and do even better. Ha! Well, I realized pretty quickly on that for whatever reason selling was not going to go the way I expected. So that was stressful right off the bat. Don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY grateful for everyone who supported me both in their enthusiastic response to my work and in buying a piece or pieces from me. Truly. But it's still difficult when you have put a lot of time and effort into making 50 pendants for a specific event and know that most of your time, money, and effort is going down the tubes before your very eyes.

Then there's the issue of always being tied to your table. During social times, like during meals, when everyone is walking around and talking and eating and getting to know each other--as a vendor you're sitting there alone. I talked way more to the other vendors than anyone else the whole weekend. It was really overwhelming not knowing anyone and kind of feeling disconnected from the whole conference experience. I got to say hi to a lot of people as they came by my table, but I didn't get a chance to make a lot of deeper connections.

That part of things was easier for me at the FC because I went into it knowing a lot of people. I had a huge group of friends to socialize with every night regardless of whether or not I was tied to my vendor table all day. Not something I had thought about. I didn't have 15 people I had known online for years and/or had met in person surrounding me this time.

This conference was also really triggering and difficult for me emotionally. Again, not something I was anticipating. But I realized I have way more internalized shit around being fat and way more unchecked fat-phobia than I do about anything else. I got slapped in the face big time with all of that. I'm not even prepared to go into everything I felt and am still feeling as fall-out from the weekend; suffice it to say that it was really draining and I actually had a major meltdown on Saturday complete with tears and getting mascara all over some innocent butch bystander's hanky.

I came home exhausted and sick and emotionally worn. Which is not to say that it's a bad thing I went. Usually when something is that difficult for you, it means it's probably good for you and it's bringing up important things you need to deal with. But that doesn't make it FUN.

I've been listing lots of the stuff that didn't sell on Etsy and am still waiting to hear back on a craft show in October where I can hopefully sell a bunch of the not-fat-related stuff. I'm going to try and do as many craft shows as I physically can between now and the holidays. I've decided I'm not meant to do other work besides creating. It's just a matter of figuring out how to make a living at it. I think craft shows on a regular basis is a good possibility. It can fill in all the holes bewteen my art and what I'm selling on Etsy.

I'm off to New Mexico starting Wednesday and then it will be a frantic few days trying to get ready for this next show, assuming I get in, which I think I will. That's about it for now.

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